Dear ET6'ersInspiration comes in the craziest unexpected times from the most unexpected source. Today I was in the car driving to get something to eat. I was heading to Panera and Mr Cee was going in. His "Oh Sh!t" song of the day was "I Used To Love Him" by Lauryn Hill and immediately one of my exes popped into my head.
First off let me start off by saying that the album that the song comes from is "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill". This album meant so much because I could relate to that miseducation. I could relate to the whole growing up but already knowing you were grown. I could directly relate to finding out that everything I thought I knew was a lie. (Those are topics for another day.)
Back to my original thoughts, my mind was all over the place this song had me toe' up. The songs lyrics really had me thinking how I had allowed myself to fall so deep in lust that I became helpless DON'T act like you never been sexed so good that you sipped and fell the same way, remember that man that had you sick. we all had one) I'm about to break it down for y'all, lyrics-to-life.
As I look at what I've done (Falling for someone I had no business even knowing) The type of life that I've lived (disobedient reckless, careless) How many things I pray the father will forgive (7 deadly sins became 700 with this situation) One situation involved a young man (this boy was everything I never had and everything I never needed) He was the ocean and I was the sand (total opposites yet we went so well together) He stole my heart like a thief in the night (I never expected to fall in love with him, it just happened) Dulled my senses blurred my sight (and when i fell, nothing else mattered, couldn't see, hear taste smell touch if it was not about him)
I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't
I chose a road of passion and pain (I had choices and I chose to go with what i was feeling the passion that was leading to pain) Sacrificed too much and waited in vain (I lost money time sleep relationships and myself) Gave up my power ceased being queen (I forgot the key "I had the Pu$$y so I make the rules" so I was no longer in charge) Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend (I had become addicted by any means necessary I had to have it I had to have him)
(This was the point where he decided that he had all of me that he wanted, and he was done. He didn't say it but he definitely showed it)
Torn and confused wasted and used (I was hurt couldn't understand what happened, I felt used and as if I wasted all of me on him) Reached the crossroad which path would I choose (I was at the point that i had to decide was I gonna do. was i gonna move on or stay in pain) Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated (I was stuck couldn't make a decision i cried i screamed i yelled at myself and i just waited) For something to happen that just wasn't fated (I was hoping he would have changed his mind and came back I was desperate I just wanted anything to happen) Thought what I wanted was something I needed (I really had mistaken my necessities and screwed up my priorities. I thought he was a necessity when in reality he was just a want)When momma said no I just should have heeded (My mommy told me he was no good and I still had to touch fire to know it was hot.) Misled I bled till the poison was gone (I was in love with who I wanted him to be, his representation. I had never even met the real him until the moment he disappeared and i cried it all out like bleeding to death) And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn (and Before i knew it i was all cried out and getting back to normal, I prayed and cried and prayed and cried but GOD)
I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't
Father you saved me and showed me that life (God let me know that it wasn't the end of the world it was the end of the world with him) Was much more than being some foolish man's wife (and that life was much more than him and being with him when he couldn't even see how good he Had it) Showed me that love was respect and devotion (I learned exactly what love wasn't and with that came the priceless knowledge of what love is. Respect, devotion, Support, admiration, faith etc)Greater than planets deeper than oceans (LOVE is bigger than anything I could have ever known with that dude) My soul was weary but now it's replenished (and I was going to find love, LOVE with myself) Content because that part of my life is finished (I was so happy that, that part of my life was over)
(Years passed and I continuously worked on me and became stronger and better. I had not seen him at all..... but then.)
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye (I ran into him and we spoke and I looked at him face to face eye to eye I was grown now) Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold (and I could see he was amazed that i was not broken and sad that he let me go) But my heart is gold I took back my soul (I was over him and because of that I was not mad not even a little, I learned from his foolishness and I was grateful. My heart was full of love for me that I couldn't and wouldn't lend a piece of it to hate him. That really amazed him. So much so that I never brought it up and he apologized.) And totally let my creator control (I didn't have to do anything to him because GOD takes care of it all and Karma fixed him) The life which was his to begin with (I had forgot that God is in control, that was my biggest mistake)
I share this with you just to let you know that not everything good to you is good for you. I was head over heels, inside out over this guy, but he was not the one. Of course back then you couldn't tell me that and I damn near lost myself trying to force fit him into my life. Ladies trying to force a man to be "the one" is like going dancing with a shoe 2 sizes to small. It looks good from the outside but your hurting just for the look. Its not worth the scars and hurt you are going to be left with. Learn from my TRUE REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE.
I used to love him but now I don't
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
LOVE,
JEWEL
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